Touchy subject, very long, sorry.

Well, I know I'm new here but you all seem like a helpful bunch so I suppose I could talk about this here.

As a child I was always very tiny, and between the ages of ten and sixteen I was incredibly active. I was in fencing for six days a week sometimes for six to ten hours a day. I was incredibly passionate. Anyway, I stopped due to school, etc. Naturally, my metabolism slowed and with not much exercise going on, I've gained a bit of weight in the last four years (I'm twenty now).

I noticed in the last six months that jeans I've had for only a short time are no longer fitting in the thighs etc. So I've recently decided to start eating better and watch my weight a little closer. Also, I'm starting school again soon and the college has a gym which I want to use. My parents also agreed to pay for me to go back to fencing in the fall as long as my grades are kept up. This all seemed like a great plan and I was feeling excited and encouraged about finally being happier with myself and my body image (which has been increasingly poor the last year or so).

Before I go too much further into this I'll give you my body type and weight so you have some perspective. At the height of my fencing career (around 14 or 15) I was 5'1" and around 110-115 lbs. I was in very good shape though. When I quit, I went through a long bout of depression from around 16 to 19. During this time I didn't eat much, and I hardly slept. Obviously, I lost an incredible amount of weight; it was to the point where I was almost passing out from dizziness. Eventually I got through this and started gaining weight. However, I never ate right and there was little portion control. I am now 20, stand at 5'2.5" and I weigh around 150 lbs. Also, I am fairly curvy with large hips. I know I'll never have that (unfortunately, sometimes) sought after thigh gap. I never did, even at my healthiest.

Anyway, I went home to Louisiana and saw my grandmother a few days ago. She complimented me on my recent haircut and then looked me over rather critically. She said,"Well, you've gained some weight." I nodded. She asked if I was eating more than normal, and I said that I might have been. She then asked,"Well, are you pregnant?" I was a little shocked to be honest. I said no, and left soon after to go to a friend's home. I brought up the conversation and she assured me that I looked good, and definitely so much better than when I wasn't eating.

The next day I was going to be heading back to Texas, so I stopped in at my grandmother's to say goodbye. She wants me to come back in August to help her clean out her closets, which, of course, I am happy to do. She offered me some shirts she said I could maybe paint in and I took them gladly. Then she pulled out a pair of older jeans and looked back and forth from me to them before saying,"Well these won't fit you. You've grown a bit but you're not that big." To be very honest, this comment really hurt my feelings. I know I'm not in the greatest shape, but I felt like she could have said it in a kinder way.

I went home (it was the Fourth of July) and headed to my parents house. This grandmother is on my mom's side, and my mom has had similar problems with her mom so I felt like I could ask for advice on how to handle the situation next time it arose. However, instead of giving me helpful advice (I would have even taken "maybe you should start working out now, instead of waiting for school to start") she looked me over and said,"Well, you do tend to wear things that make you look like you're expecting." Again, my feelings were hurt. I didn't stay long.

First, I felt like if I was dressing in a way that did not compliment my body I would have wanted someone to tell me so I could try to find different types of clothing. I have always been a jeans and t-shirt type girl, but I've been trying to change that. I wish someone would have said,"Hey what about this, instead of that?"

Second, I don't understand why my mother and grandmother couldn't have been a little kinder about talking to me about my weight. My mother, especially has always struggled with weight and had an eating disorder which lead to her being very overweight now. I don't judge her for it. At most, I sometimes worry about her health.

Anyway, all of this has been on my mind since it was brought up. As good as I have been eating (more veggies and fruits, no fast food or soda, much more water and green tea, researching good foods for weight loss, etc.) all of my encouragement and excitement has been absolutely crushed, along with any small amount of good self esteem I had. Suddenly I'm back to staying up all night, hardly eating anything, and using Aderall to control my appetite. I'm trying to tell myself that how I was handling everything was right, and that I don't need to starve myself but it's hard to gt over what my family said.

It's even worse when I know my dad and my boyfriend(who are my whole world right after my dog) have been so supportive of me losing weight the healthy way. My dad was very upset with what I had been told, and my boyfriend encouraged me to work out with him and said we should challenge each other to eat better. Still, I can't get the word "FAT" out of my head now. I'm so upset and angry and I don't know what to do now...

I'm sorry, I know this is very whiny and not really any of y'alls problem but I don't know how to handle this at all. Help?