05-16-2012 at 7:28 PM

I'd like to chime in a bit. I've been battling depression since as early as I can remember but I specifically remember it having a true impact on my life starting in 6th grade. It was basically just me feeling really low and being removed from my circle of friends (still not sure why the all decided to abandon me this year but oh well). 8th grade is when I self mutilated for the first time. I was stood up at a school dance as a joke. I was heart broken and in so much pain that I started digging my thumb nail into my flesh until it broke open. I was amazed by the relief so I continued to do so, seeking other methods and eventually I would remove the blades from my razors to cut myself with. 8th grade is also the year I started to starve myself, limiting myself to 100 calories a day. I was overweight and wanted to fit in. Starving myself didn't work for long so I turned to bulimia. I wasn't intending to do it for long but when I started my freshman year I kept getting compliments on how thin I was becoming so I continued. Freshman year I was institutionalized two different times for suicide attempts. The first time was because I was eating a bunch of pills combined with cleaner/acne medicine. The second time I willingly checked myself in due to my fear of hurting myself further. Everything was doing okay until my third suicide attempt sophomore year. I downed over 100 tylenol. I almost died but told a friend what I did right before I passed out. He told my mom and she came and got me, took me to the hospital where I was pumped and given liquid charcoal. I was sent away to a new institution for a couple weeks. I was put on a food watch there and I was in misery, going on hunger strikes. I was put in counseling but no one would work with me or weren't a good match. I continued to self harm but in secret. Most of my scars are now on my thighs, shoulders, and stomach so that I wouldn't get caught. Junior year I met my future husband and things got good for awhile. He helped me cope. He let me vent. I remember once he pinned me down because I was desperate to hurt myself and just let me scream, his tears hitting my face over and over. He stuck with me and I think that's what has made us so strong. <br /> <br /> Sure, I still battle with it. Not a day goes by that I don't think about suicide. There are times I still cut, throw up, or ingest some pills. Nothing like I used to and they are few and far between. I know that when I slip he is there to catch me. <br /> <br /> My advice to you is, find someone you honestly trust. Counselors usually don't spend the time to develop a relationship with someone. Friends can sometimes think it's no big deal or you are just doing it all for attention. When you find someone you can honestly trust to open up to, it helps so much. To know you can turn to them for anything and they won't judge you makes a world of a difference.<br /> <br /> Best of luck to you.

03-28-2012 at 12:03 AM

I might. I hate going to those counselors, because they don't help.

03-27-2012 at 11:50 PM

There's no need to worry :)<br /> <br /> If anything, bring your fox with you in your bag or something ^^

03-27-2012 at 11:25 PM

Yeah, I like people who understand. My mom actually understood when I called her and was freaking out. She's a social worker, so she tries to understand when I freak out and such.<br /> <br /> I did find him finally, and it made me feel better. But I've still been freaking out a lot since being back at school. And I'm worried because I have a counselor meeting tomorrow.;;

03-27-2012 at 10:56 PM

Oh, I'm sorry about that :(<br /> <br /> And I don't think it's pathetic, don't worry. Especially considering Al understands what Ly is going through.<br /> <br /> When we first moved into our new house, I couldn't find my stuffed dog that I had for 13 years at that time, named Foxy. I thought we had left Foxy at our old house or the movers misplaced her. My parents thoought I was joking, but I didn't sleep that night. I just kept thinking about her in the empty house, just waiting for me to pick her up and play with her ears. I actually cried that night and was so scared of what was going to happen.<br /> <br /> Turns out, she was in one of the bags and someone had packed her last minute without telling me where. What got me thrrough that time was my friends telling me it'd be alright. And it was.<br /> <br /> And that's why I'm jsut thankful SOMETIMES I have good friends.

03-25-2012 at 5:43 PM

I actually just got back to college less than an hour or so ago and I'm already having a breakdown. Found out I can't get meds until summer most likely, and I just lost my stuffed fox, which is the only thing that can calm me down at all when I get really bad. And I have no idea where he could be because I packed him and he wasn't on the bed when I left, and he's nowhere to be found in this room. I'm actually crying because of this. And this is the exact reason I hate people who act like people who have anxiety or depression are just attentinon seekers. I'm in my room alone, crying because of a lost toy and I feel ashamed because I know so many people who would call me pathetic for this.<br /> <br /> Sorry. I just needed to rant and this felt like the best place...

03-24-2012 at 12:19 AM

Alright, so Al's issue:<br /> <br /> I don't know when this started, since I've experienced similar symptoms in middle school. I think it may have to do with the fact that I moved after 2nd grade. I was in a new borough of NYC, one I didn't know existed. I had no friends. And I was TERRIFIED. It was around then when I met my best friend, and it became clear that whereever he was, I was right behind him. And it was like that for a <b>VERY </b> long time. My group of friends did expand, and as middle school came along, I found out that I was the only person who could hang out with every "Clique" in my class. Then came:<br /> <br /> The trip.<br /> <br /> This is, I guess where I first realized my anxiety. We went to Six Flags and it was me and a group of about 7 of my friends, and we decided to stick together and ride on the rides together. Well, they went on one rollar coaster, and me not being a fan, I did'n't go on. Now, I noticed that the assistant principal was on the same line as them, but he was behind them. So when I saw him go on the roller coaster, I figured they were done. So I stand there and wait for a good ten minutes. They're not there. So I start to panic. I decided to go walk over to the exit, but I see no one. Look at the line, still no one. Now, normally I wouldn't mind. But the thought of having my entire group of friends apart from me kinda scared me. I didn't care about being in a huge amusement park by myself, but rather that my friends probably forgot about me and were off doing something. I eventually found them, and they actually were looking for me, and they knew that since we were eatting lunch soon, that'd I'd be at the food court, and I was.<br /> <br /> <br /> Come high school, I had LOTS of friends. I knew about 700 people, and I routinely was around at least 100 of the same people during the week (albeit not at the same time). I never was alone, and I was happy. If I needed to go out, there was at least one person I had. My second high school was a bit better, though I probably only had about 20 REALLY good friends.<br /> <br /> <b>College</b><br /> I Don't know what set it off, but I feel like I get so anxious almost every other day. We all retreat to our dorms after class or whatever, and that's normal. But for some reason, I get antsy and figitdy and I can't stay still. I'll walk the dorms and find people to talk to. I'll ask each person 3 tims when dinner is so I don't get forgotten. And when I do, oh, I can't even eat. I just get so...meh. I just lay on my bed and go, "oh...okay." I don't know what's up, but it's kinda hindering me when I need to do work.<br /> <br /> I wish the luck to everyone who also has anxiety.<br />

03-23-2012 at 9:25 PM

Yeah, that fits here.^^<br /> <br /> And I'm the same way usually. I hate being left completely alone unless its my choice generally.

03-23-2012 at 7:57 PM

I kinda gets anxious whenever I'm alone and everyone else has left me to do something, or when they simply have just forgotten about me.<br /> <br /> Does this go here? >&lt;

03-23-2012 at 2:20 PM

Thanks. And yeah, its eaasier to try and get help now. Its also easier now that I'm at college and can get help without having to go through my mom. I don't want her knowing about my depression. She only knows about my anxiety. She is a social worker, though, and I think that she knows I'm depressed, its just one of those things I don't want to voice. I'm personally more concerned about my anxiety because it has effected my life a lot more, so I'm trying to focus more on that. The moment I say I'm dealing with anxiety and depression, every therapist I've been to focuses immediately on the depression, which is starting to get on my nerves, because I stress my anxiety is worse.<br /> <br /> I don't want to get on my depression meds, but I'm going to try and get anxiety medication as soon as I can. And right now, its not the fear of it changing my personality, because my personality is kind of awful. I'm just scared of it taking away my creativity, which the ADHD medication did. I feel like anxiety medication won't do that though, because it doesn't seem like it would. Thinking on it, loss of creativity seems like an obvious side effect of ADHD medication. I don't feel like that will happen with anxiety medication, and I feel like things are so bad, its at least worth trying anxiety meds, right? So, I have to get to someone who can actually get me on medication. The counselors I'm seeing now are at the free counseling center where they are still technically students, and cannot prescribe any medication or get me anywhere that can. So, I'll have to figure that out next time I go back to them. Doing a quick look at common side effects, it doesn't look lke that will be a concern.<br /> <br /> I know how the low self esteem is, I'm the same way. I have a horrible opinion of myself, and my grades sure aren't helping that...but I think I have heard of something like that, and when things get really bad I try to use that sort of thing to help calm down. <br /> <br /> I do try to know myself well, and honestly, talking to my daemon, Razz has helped me a lot in the past five years that I've known him. For one, it gives me someone to talk me down when I'm really low, and it has helped me get to know more about my own personality, in a positive way, be associating it with a certain animal. And no, I'm definitely an introvert.XD The social anxiety just makes it worse, to the point that I can't be around people at all. It used to be that I could be around a lot of people, as long as I had time alone later to calm myself down. Now I can't be around people at all. I even have trouble being in class, because there's too many people. I don't even have to interact with any of them for the most part, and I still freak out just being around them. And I've done Myers-Briggs tests before but for the life of me, cannot remember what I turned out to be...I'll have to look into that again because I love learning about different personalities and I've been interested in Myers-Briggs stuff for a while now. <br /> <br /> And I may have to start doing that. I like having a plan, but I have trouble following through with that plan, especially with schoolwork. I have trouble focusing on school related things, so I start doing badly in classes, which stresses me out further. I feel like setting a better reward system for myself for certain things will definitely help with a lot of things going on in my life currently.<br /> <br /> Yeah, I've heard it takes a while for most meds like that to kick in. Which is why I want to get on something as soon as possible, so that I can start when I'm at a decent enough point in my life. I'm crossing my fingers on side effects, because I've never had major side effects from anything I've taken in the past. I'm just worried because I'm a somewhat impatient person and the constant anxiety attacks don't help, and my lack of sleep makes me irritable. I'm just worried about how I'll be while waiting for meds to start working, but I've got people back at school who should be able to help keep me from going insane. And I've been dealing with the anxiety for at least eight years without medication, and therapy alone hasn't helped, so I feel its time that I at least give medication a chance. I plan on doing plenty of research, because I'm a bit weary of things like that. A few weeks ago I started taking some sleeping medication to help me sleep and the first night I took it I was absolutely terrified to take it because I'd never taken it before. I'd like to do my research before getting on any long term medication.

03-23-2012 at 11:37 AM

It's awful that you have to go through all of this, Ly. Mental illness is just one of those things where life is never fair. I temper that thought with the belief, though, that things like depression aren't as stigmatized as they used to be, so there are many routes we can try to get out of the rut. And we can open up about our feelings in places like online forums.<br /> <br /> I want to see if I have a few resources that can help you. I hope at least one thing does you some good. :)<br /> <br /> <b>Background:</b><br /> <br /> I'll say up front that I dealt with depression and anxiety (at first generalized, then more social) for a number of years, and now I'm on medication and doing fantasticly. My life is just... incredibly improved. Going to college and getting better friends definitely helped, but I can't deny the vital role of the medication. I've heard a big concern about medicine is that it changes your personality (which you mentioned about ADHD medicine as well), but I'd like to frame it that depression/anxiety changed my original personality, and the medicine is putting it back to where it should be. If my personality is me sitting in my room agonizing over the smallest social things, then I'm glad it was changed. It is a legitimate worry about medicine, though, I understand where you're coming from.<br /> <br /> <b>Techniques to improve thinking:</b><br /> <br /> Cognitive behavioral therapy didn't do heaps of help for me the times I tried it, but it did introduce me to the concept of "cognitive restructuring" that I still use now. <a href="http://www.mindtools.com/stress/rt/CognitiveRestructuring.htm">This</a> is one written exercise of it, and <a href="http://www.nelsonbinggeli.net/NB/CBT-CR.html">this</a> is more details behind it and a shorter way to practice it. Basically, a lot of the thoughts that run through our heads to make us feel anxious/depressed are either false or biased. Cognitive restructuring is about objectively looking at those thoughts and finding a new, realistic way to think about them instead. A change in emotion and behavior is thought to follow your change in self-talk. I don't think it's something that could work entirely on its own. For me, I had low self-esteem despite the fact that I knew logically I was intelligent and friendly; I just didn't <i>feel</i> like a smart or good person. Logic alone can't do everything.<br /> <br /> I don't know how much you like reading about other people's mental illness stories, but <a href="http://www.takethislife.com/">Take This Life</a> is a depression forum I found that I liked to poke around every once in a while when I was feeling really low. A kind of catharsis, I suppose.<br /> <br /> Another attitude/technique that helps me a lot is just... being kind to myself. And also knowing yourself, though I would guess you do already. If you want to explore your personality a bit more, I've always found the <a href="http://www.personalitypathways.com/type_inventory.html">Myers-Briggs</a> assessment to be well-rounded. I want to make a special point about introversion (unless you're actually an extrovert but social anxiety is keeping you in?) - there's absolutely nothing wrong with needing time alone to recuperate. Our culture seems to focus on extroversion, especially with ideas of adolescents/college kids partying and hanging out all the time. It's not true, and there are plenty of introverts around. If you know you're an introvert, be sure to plan time where you can be alone to do whatever you want - think, write, browse the web, etc. Even though my anxiety is mostly gone, I still make sure to do that.<br /> <br /> And then, being kind to yourself by rewarding yourself. I let myself have a little treat every day - a piece of candy, some soda, even a stick of gum or just being incredibly unproductive for a while. And - okay, this is going to sound dreadfully cheesy - I let myself have little rewards because I deserve them. Everyone deserves a chunk of happiness every day just for existing. For getting through the bad times. Or maybe for something specific you did, like scoring well on a test or being friendly to someone.<br /> <br /> <b>On medicine:</b><br /> <br /> Before this gets dreadfully long (haha I should put in headers), I want to readdress medicine. I'm going to be blunt: the 5 months it took me to find a medicine that worked were absolute hell, the lowest point in my entire life. I'm sure I was slipping in that direction anyway, but I doubt the tampering with medicines helped at all. The problem was that most depression medicines take 6 weeks to tell if it's actually going to help you, and in the meantime you have to deal with side effects (which I blessedly had few of) and the whole not-being-medicated-yet thing. And not all medicines are created equal, they really aren't. I went through 3 SSRIs that didn't help me one bit. I'm glad that my psychiatrist allowed me to suggest the fourth medicine because I did research and went for an older medicine, a tricyclic antidepressant, that hits more than just serotonin. <br /> <br /> Here on the other side, I can see the struggle was worth it. But as shown above, I don't recommend medicine lightly. If you do want to try that route, then do your research. The Internet is a blessed thing, and if it bothers your psychiatrist that you want to research and discuss decisions about medications with him/her, then I would question that doctor's judgement. <br /> <br /> Just take everything online with a grain of salt - it tends to be only the people strongly affected by the medicine who post about it online. A red flag would be if there's only absolute negative things about it. For example, when I started suffering Paxil withdrawal after messing up the last night of tapering off the medicine (seriously, only the last night of like 20mg), I researched into it more and discovered that everyone thinks it's absolute hell. There are horror stories of people trying to get off it after 2 years and they have crippling withdrawal symptoms. The only medicine I could find with worse reviews was Effexor, and its withdrawal my father compares to heroin withdrawal. (He only knows the former though... I hope.) My Paxil withdrawal was mostly random tingling over my entire body, as if my nerves were all jumpy and firing all the time. Extremely disconcerting. I should've researched it before starting... and that's when I learned my lesson and looked into non-SSRIs. :P<br /> <br /> <b>Other thoughts:</b><br /> <br /> Cripes, this is long. I'm sorry!<br /> <br /> "And whaat I hate is how some people act like it isn't a big deal, or say that people who are depressed are just attention seekers. It kind of pisses me off." -Ly<br /> <br /> This. And rightly so. Some people get it, and some really don't. I think they're the same type of people who think that victims of abuse can just get up and leave whenever they want. There are complex psychological factors in both. It's not about just getting up and feeling happy because you want to.

03-20-2012 at 12:59 PM

Alright. Wasn't entirely sure.^^;<br /> <br /> Yeah, my anxiety keeps me from sleeping a lot. It tends to get really bad late at night, which sucks, because I'm a night person and like staying up late otherwise. I remember one time it was really bad and I was up until about five in the morning crying. Best part was I had an early class the next day, so I was tired and irritable all the next day.<br /> <br /> Yeah, I made the mistake of telling my Psych teacher in high school about a suicidal thought and got my mom called. I did get one good thing out of it, because I got to finally go to a good therapist, one that my teacher had reccommended, only problem was she didn't talk about my anxiety at all, she just focused on my non-existant (at the time) depression. Asking me why I wanted to die, which trust me, I don't. I've got quite a few things I want to accomplish before I die, on top of the fact that I'm kind of terrified of death. But she was fairly helpful otherwise, and she had this little dachshund in the room, which helped me calm down a lot. I'm an animal person and having an animal around helps me immensely. Which is another reason I hate being at college because all we can have are fish. And I've never had a friend attempt while I knew them. When I got to college, I met a few people that had attempted in the past, but are doing better for the most part now. And it is. And whaat I hate is how some people act like it isn't a big deal, or say that people who are depressed are just attention seekers. It kind of pisses me off.<br /> <br /> I'm planning to start going to our rec center. Our pool is really nice and relaxing for when I'm having bad days, and I remember trying a few things there that help. And I have horrible self esteem, so working out would help for sure in that department, hopefully. And I'm trying to focus on schoolwork, but for some classes it is really hard. Namely math because I don't understand it and I feel like crap whenever I try to work on it. <br /> <br /> I've been trying to distract myself. And I used to be good at getting myself out of my lows, but that was before the depression. There have been a few days in the last few weeks that I've been able to calm myself down/be happy. And sometimes writing helps as a distraction and can calm me down when I'm trying to focus on my characters and such, which is why I have a tendency to ask for prompts on my tumblr when I'm feeling low. And I'm planning on getting out of my room and being social once spring break ends. I always leave clubs early or refuse to go because I don't want to face being around a lot of people or talk to people, and I want to work on that. And, when I have time, I'm going to try and figure out a schedule for going to the rec center and working out. <br /> <br /> I know it won't be easy. I might try medication for my anxiety. I refuse to take medication for my depression, and for a while I refused to take medication for anxiety as well, because I used to take ADHD medicine and it changed my personality and I hated it. I think I'm going to see what effect the anxiety medication has on me and then decide whether I want to keep taking it. This is all hypothetical because I don't know if I'll be able to get medication. And therapy doesn't help me very much. I've tried it quite a few times and it has never helped. I don't know if I've just had bad therapists or what, but it never helped in the past. <br /> <br /> I have a few close friends. At home, I have my one friend who is pretty much my best friend and we hang out a lot. Then I have one other incredibly close friend, then a few minor friends. At college, I'm really close with my roommate and a few others. But I don't have many friends mainly because of my low self esteem. I always feel like I''m just an annoyance for people, so I have problems actually talking to the friends I already have. I'm fairly awkward as well, but I'm trying to get better about it. I don't want to have a million friends, but I'd like to be able to go out and make friends without having a panic attack. Yeah, I like having an escape route. Usually when people are over and I'm feeling upset, I can just leave early for my next class. And I try not to do that, but my roommate does, and we have about five friends on this floor who are happy to come in at any time...its even better when my roommate invites the girl I have a crush on over, knowing I'm more awkward when I have a crush on someone and being around them is more likely to get me anxious. And we sometimes go to the lounge and watch movies, or order pizza and its pretty fun, and its nice to be able to just escape back to my room if I get too anxious.<br /> <br /> And thanks.&lt;3 I'm hoping things will get better, especially over the summer, so that sophomore year won't be quite as bad.

03-20-2012 at 10:36 AM

Nah this is the right spot Ly.<br /> <br /> I have a fear of death too. If I even begin thinking about it while trying to fall asleep it freaks me out and I end up not able to sleep. I hallucinated once (or maybe I will still dreaming) that I was going to die in seven days and wandered into my bathroom and cried. I feel like I actually was moving into the bathroom and really crying so not sure if it was a dream or if I was half awake.<br /> <br /> I've also been depressed and thought like that but like you, never would act on it because I am afraid of it. I've had a friend that had attempted once and then thought about it a lot. It's scary how many people are affected by depression lately.<br /> <br /> Getting out of it is a slow progression. I started working out which made me feel better overall and helped my looks which made me a little more confident. I tried to focus on school even though I was completely wanting to reject it. I had been pulling Fs and Ds and all that low good stuff. <br /> <br /> I think the best way to get out of it is by action. Do things that you enjoy even if you aren't feeling up for it. Figure out where you feel the weakest in your life and do something about it. For me it was my looks and self worth so I went and changed it.<br /> <br /> I'm not saying it will be easy but that's what I think if you want to do it without therapy or meds (which the side effects say increased thoughts of suicide? Makes no sense).<br /> <br /> For friends, I don't have many friends at all. I get worn out being around people and I get anxious. I worry I can't say the right things and I just feel awkward. I only have one really really good friend who doesn't even live by me. My anxiety was very low with her and when she would leave, I'd be excited for her to get back. I guess its about giving it time with certain people you think would be good friends and have situations where you can easily escape if it becomes overwhelming. For example, dont invite them to your room because then you're stuck in there and have nowhere to go for air. May I suggest having some kind movie night in your lounge (I'm guessing, if you live in a dorm?). With this, you don't have to talk all night with them, you're not facing them, and you can slip out if you need a moment. It does let you hear comments about movies/scenes so you can see what kind of people they are? Just trying to through ideas ^^;;<br /> <br /> I really wish you best of luck Ly. It won't always be like this and I hope you know because I'm sure you're smart. Obvious answer is therapy but I know that's not for everyone which is why I didn't say it until now.