It's awful that you have to go through all of this, Ly. Mental illness is just one of those things where life is never fair. I temper that thought with the belief, though, that things like depression aren't as stigmatized as they used to be, so there are many routes we can try to get out of the rut. And we can open up about our feelings in places like online forums.<br /> <br /> I want to see if I have a few resources that can help you. I hope at least one thing does you some good. :)<br /> <br /> <b>Background:</b><br /> <br /> I'll say up front that I dealt with depression and anxiety (at first generalized, then more social) for a number of years, and now I'm on medication and doing fantasticly. My life is just... incredibly improved. Going to college and getting better friends definitely helped, but I can't deny the vital role of the medication. I've heard a big concern about medicine is that it changes your personality (which you mentioned about ADHD medicine as well), but I'd like to frame it that depression/anxiety changed my original personality, and the medicine is putting it back to where it should be. If my personality is me sitting in my room agonizing over the smallest social things, then I'm glad it was changed. It is a legitimate worry about medicine, though, I understand where you're coming from.<br /> <br /> <b>Techniques to improve thinking:</b><br /> <br /> Cognitive behavioral therapy didn't do heaps of help for me the times I tried it, but it did introduce me to the concept of "cognitive restructuring" that I still use now. <a href="http://www.mindtools.com/stress/rt/CognitiveRestructuring.htm">This</a> is one written exercise of it, and <a href="http://www.nelsonbinggeli.net/NB/CBT-CR.html">this</a> is more details behind it and a shorter way to practice it. Basically, a lot of the thoughts that run through our heads to make us feel anxious/depressed are either false or biased. Cognitive restructuring is about objectively looking at those thoughts and finding a new, realistic way to think about them instead. A change in emotion and behavior is thought to follow your change in self-talk. I don't think it's something that could work entirely on its own. For me, I had low self-esteem despite the fact that I knew logically I was intelligent and friendly; I just didn't <i>feel</i> like a smart or good person. Logic alone can't do everything.<br /> <br /> I don't know how much you like reading about other people's mental illness stories, but <a href="http://www.takethislife.com/">Take This Life</a> is a depression forum I found that I liked to poke around every once in a while when I was feeling really low. A kind of catharsis, I suppose.<br /> <br /> Another attitude/technique that helps me a lot is just... being kind to myself. And also knowing yourself, though I would guess you do already. If you want to explore your personality a bit more, I've always found the <a href="http://www.personalitypathways.com/type_inventory.html">Myers-Briggs</a> assessment to be well-rounded. I want to make a special point about introversion (unless you're actually an extrovert but social anxiety is keeping you in?) - there's absolutely nothing wrong with needing time alone to recuperate. Our culture seems to focus on extroversion, especially with ideas of adolescents/college kids partying and hanging out all the time. It's not true, and there are plenty of introverts around. If you know you're an introvert, be sure to plan time where you can be alone to do whatever you want - think, write, browse the web, etc. Even though my anxiety is mostly gone, I still make sure to do that.<br /> <br /> And then, being kind to yourself by rewarding yourself. I let myself have a little treat every day - a piece of candy, some soda, even a stick of gum or just being incredibly unproductive for a while. And - okay, this is going to sound dreadfully cheesy - I let myself have little rewards because I deserve them. Everyone deserves a chunk of happiness every day just for existing. For getting through the bad times. Or maybe for something specific you did, like scoring well on a test or being friendly to someone.<br /> <br /> <b>On medicine:</b><br /> <br /> Before this gets dreadfully long (haha I should put in headers), I want to readdress medicine. I'm going to be blunt: the 5 months it took me to find a medicine that worked were absolute hell, the lowest point in my entire life. I'm sure I was slipping in that direction anyway, but I doubt the tampering with medicines helped at all. The problem was that most depression medicines take 6 weeks to tell if it's actually going to help you, and in the meantime you have to deal with side effects (which I blessedly had few of) and the whole not-being-medicated-yet thing. And not all medicines are created equal, they really aren't. I went through 3 SSRIs that didn't help me one bit. I'm glad that my psychiatrist allowed me to suggest the fourth medicine because I did research and went for an older medicine, a tricyclic antidepressant, that hits more than just serotonin. <br /> <br /> Here on the other side, I can see the struggle was worth it. But as shown above, I don't recommend medicine lightly. If you do want to try that route, then do your research. The Internet is a blessed thing, and if it bothers your psychiatrist that you want to research and discuss decisions about medications with him/her, then I would question that doctor's judgement. <br /> <br /> Just take everything online with a grain of salt - it tends to be only the people strongly affected by the medicine who post about it online. A red flag would be if there's only absolute negative things about it. For example, when I started suffering Paxil withdrawal after messing up the last night of tapering off the medicine (seriously, only the last night of like 20mg), I researched into it more and discovered that everyone thinks it's absolute hell. There are horror stories of people trying to get off it after 2 years and they have crippling withdrawal symptoms. The only medicine I could find with worse reviews was Effexor, and its withdrawal my father compares to heroin withdrawal. (He only knows the former though... I hope.) My Paxil withdrawal was mostly random tingling over my entire body, as if my nerves were all jumpy and firing all the time. Extremely disconcerting. I should've researched it before starting... and that's when I learned my lesson and looked into non-SSRIs. :P<br /> <br /> <b>Other thoughts:</b><br /> <br /> Cripes, this is long. I'm sorry!<br /> <br /> "And whaat I hate is how some people act like it isn't a big deal, or say that people who are depressed are just attention seekers. It kind of pisses me off." -Ly<br /> <br /> This. And rightly so. Some people get it, and some really don't. I think they're the same type of people who think that victims of abuse can just get up and leave whenever they want. There are complex psychological factors in both. It's not about just getting up and feeling happy because you want to.

Alright. Wasn't entirely sure.^^;<br /> <br /> Yeah, my anxiety keeps me from sleeping a lot. It tends to get really bad late at night, which sucks, because I'm a night person and like staying up late otherwise. I remember one time it was really bad and I was up until about five in the morning crying. Best part was I had an early class the next day, so I was tired and irritable all the next day.<br /> <br /> Yeah, I made the mistake of telling my Psych teacher in high school about a suicidal thought and got my mom called. I did get one good thing out of it, because I got to finally go to a good therapist, one that my teacher had reccommended, only problem was she didn't talk about my anxiety at all, she just focused on my non-existant (at the time) depression. Asking me why I wanted to die, which trust me, I don't. I've got quite a few things I want to accomplish before I die, on top of the fact that I'm kind of terrified of death. But she was fairly helpful otherwise, and she had this little dachshund in the room, which helped me calm down a lot. I'm an animal person and having an animal around helps me immensely. Which is another reason I hate being at college because all we can have are fish. And I've never had a friend attempt while I knew them. When I got to college, I met a few people that had attempted in the past, but are doing better for the most part now. And it is. And whaat I hate is how some people act like it isn't a big deal, or say that people who are depressed are just attention seekers. It kind of pisses me off.<br /> <br /> I'm planning to start going to our rec center. Our pool is really nice and relaxing for when I'm having bad days, and I remember trying a few things there that help. And I have horrible self esteem, so working out would help for sure in that department, hopefully. And I'm trying to focus on schoolwork, but for some classes it is really hard. Namely math because I don't understand it and I feel like crap whenever I try to work on it. <br /> <br /> I've been trying to distract myself. And I used to be good at getting myself out of my lows, but that was before the depression. There have been a few days in the last few weeks that I've been able to calm myself down/be happy. And sometimes writing helps as a distraction and can calm me down when I'm trying to focus on my characters and such, which is why I have a tendency to ask for prompts on my tumblr when I'm feeling low. And I'm planning on getting out of my room and being social once spring break ends. I always leave clubs early or refuse to go because I don't want to face being around a lot of people or talk to people, and I want to work on that. And, when I have time, I'm going to try and figure out a schedule for going to the rec center and working out. <br /> <br /> I know it won't be easy. I might try medication for my anxiety. I refuse to take medication for my depression, and for a while I refused to take medication for anxiety as well, because I used to take ADHD medicine and it changed my personality and I hated it. I think I'm going to see what effect the anxiety medication has on me and then decide whether I want to keep taking it. This is all hypothetical because I don't know if I'll be able to get medication. And therapy doesn't help me very much. I've tried it quite a few times and it has never helped. I don't know if I've just had bad therapists or what, but it never helped in the past. <br /> <br /> I have a few close friends. At home, I have my one friend who is pretty much my best friend and we hang out a lot. Then I have one other incredibly close friend, then a few minor friends. At college, I'm really close with my roommate and a few others. But I don't have many friends mainly because of my low self esteem. I always feel like I''m just an annoyance for people, so I have problems actually talking to the friends I already have. I'm fairly awkward as well, but I'm trying to get better about it. I don't want to have a million friends, but I'd like to be able to go out and make friends without having a panic attack. Yeah, I like having an escape route. Usually when people are over and I'm feeling upset, I can just leave early for my next class. And I try not to do that, but my roommate does, and we have about five friends on this floor who are happy to come in at any time...its even better when my roommate invites the girl I have a crush on over, knowing I'm more awkward when I have a crush on someone and being around them is more likely to get me anxious. And we sometimes go to the lounge and watch movies, or order pizza and its pretty fun, and its nice to be able to just escape back to my room if I get too anxious.<br /> <br /> And thanks.&lt;3 I'm hoping things will get better, especially over the summer, so that sophomore year won't be quite as bad.

Nah this is the right spot Ly.<br /> <br /> I have a fear of death too. If I even begin thinking about it while trying to fall asleep it freaks me out and I end up not able to sleep. I hallucinated once (or maybe I will still dreaming) that I was going to die in seven days and wandered into my bathroom and cried. I feel like I actually was moving into the bathroom and really crying so not sure if it was a dream or if I was half awake.<br /> <br /> I've also been depressed and thought like that but like you, never would act on it because I am afraid of it. I've had a friend that had attempted once and then thought about it a lot. It's scary how many people are affected by depression lately.<br /> <br /> Getting out of it is a slow progression. I started working out which made me feel better overall and helped my looks which made me a little more confident. I tried to focus on school even though I was completely wanting to reject it. I had been pulling Fs and Ds and all that low good stuff. <br /> <br /> I think the best way to get out of it is by action. Do things that you enjoy even if you aren't feeling up for it. Figure out where you feel the weakest in your life and do something about it. For me it was my looks and self worth so I went and changed it.<br /> <br /> I'm not saying it will be easy but that's what I think if you want to do it without therapy or meds (which the side effects say increased thoughts of suicide? Makes no sense).<br /> <br /> For friends, I don't have many friends at all. I get worn out being around people and I get anxious. I worry I can't say the right things and I just feel awkward. I only have one really really good friend who doesn't even live by me. My anxiety was very low with her and when she would leave, I'd be excited for her to get back. I guess its about giving it time with certain people you think would be good friends and have situations where you can easily escape if it becomes overwhelming. For example, dont invite them to your room because then you're stuck in there and have nowhere to go for air. May I suggest having some kind movie night in your lounge (I'm guessing, if you live in a dorm?). With this, you don't have to talk all night with them, you're not facing them, and you can slip out if you need a moment. It does let you hear comments about movies/scenes so you can see what kind of people they are? Just trying to through ideas ^^;;<br /> <br /> I really wish you best of luck Ly. It won't always be like this and I hope you know because I'm sure you're smart. Obvious answer is therapy but I know that's not for everyone which is why I didn't say it until now.