I'd like to chime in a bit. I've been battling depression since as early as I can remember but I specifically remember it having a true impact on my life starting in 6th grade. It was basically just me feeling really low and being removed from my circle of friends (still not sure why the all decided to abandon me this year but oh well). 8th grade is when I self mutilated for the first time. I was stood up at a school dance as a joke. I was heart broken and in so much pain that I started digging my thumb nail into my flesh until it broke open. I was amazed by the relief so I continued to do so, seeking other methods and eventually I would remove the blades from my razors to cut myself with. 8th grade is also the year I started to starve myself, limiting myself to 100 calories a day. I was overweight and wanted to fit in. Starving myself didn't work for long so I turned to bulimia. I wasn't intending to do it for long but when I started my freshman year I kept getting compliments on how thin I was becoming so I continued. Freshman year I was institutionalized two different times for suicide attempts. The first time was because I was eating a bunch of pills combined with cleaner/acne medicine. The second time I willingly checked myself in due to my fear of hurting myself further. Everything was doing okay until my third suicide attempt sophomore year. I downed over 100 tylenol. I almost died but told a friend what I did right before I passed out. He told my mom and she came and got me, took me to the hospital where I was pumped and given liquid charcoal. I was sent away to a new institution for a couple weeks. I was put on a food watch there and I was in misery, going on hunger strikes. I was put in counseling but no one would work with me or weren't a good match. I continued to self harm but in secret. Most of my scars are now on my thighs, shoulders, and stomach so that I wouldn't get caught. Junior year I met my future husband and things got good for awhile. He helped me cope. He let me vent. I remember once he pinned me down because I was desperate to hurt myself and just let me scream, his tears hitting my face over and over. He stuck with me and I think that's what has made us so strong. <br /> <br /> Sure, I still battle with it. Not a day goes by that I don't think about suicide. There are times I still cut, throw up, or ingest some pills. Nothing like I used to and they are few and far between. I know that when I slip he is there to catch me. <br /> <br /> My advice to you is, find someone you honestly trust. Counselors usually don't spend the time to develop a relationship with someone. Friends can sometimes think it's no big deal or you are just doing it all for attention. When you find someone you can honestly trust to open up to, it helps so much. To know you can turn to them for anything and they won't judge you makes a world of a difference.<br /> <br /> Best of luck to you.

I might. I hate going to those counselors, because they don't help.

There's no need to worry :)<br /> <br /> If anything, bring your fox with you in your bag or something ^^

Yeah, I like people who understand. My mom actually understood when I called her and was freaking out. She's a social worker, so she tries to understand when I freak out and such.<br /> <br /> I did find him finally, and it made me feel better. But I've still been freaking out a lot since being back at school. And I'm worried because I have a counselor meeting tomorrow.;;

Oh, I'm sorry about that :(<br /> <br /> And I don't think it's pathetic, don't worry. Especially considering Al understands what Ly is going through.<br /> <br /> When we first moved into our new house, I couldn't find my stuffed dog that I had for 13 years at that time, named Foxy. I thought we had left Foxy at our old house or the movers misplaced her. My parents thoought I was joking, but I didn't sleep that night. I just kept thinking about her in the empty house, just waiting for me to pick her up and play with her ears. I actually cried that night and was so scared of what was going to happen.<br /> <br /> Turns out, she was in one of the bags and someone had packed her last minute without telling me where. What got me thrrough that time was my friends telling me it'd be alright. And it was.<br /> <br /> And that's why I'm jsut thankful SOMETIMES I have good friends.

I actually just got back to college less than an hour or so ago and I'm already having a breakdown. Found out I can't get meds until summer most likely, and I just lost my stuffed fox, which is the only thing that can calm me down at all when I get really bad. And I have no idea where he could be because I packed him and he wasn't on the bed when I left, and he's nowhere to be found in this room. I'm actually crying because of this. And this is the exact reason I hate people who act like people who have anxiety or depression are just attentinon seekers. I'm in my room alone, crying because of a lost toy and I feel ashamed because I know so many people who would call me pathetic for this.<br /> <br /> Sorry. I just needed to rant and this felt like the best place...

Alright, so Al's issue:<br /> <br /> I don't know when this started, since I've experienced similar symptoms in middle school. I think it may have to do with the fact that I moved after 2nd grade. I was in a new borough of NYC, one I didn't know existed. I had no friends. And I was TERRIFIED. It was around then when I met my best friend, and it became clear that whereever he was, I was right behind him. And it was like that for a <b>VERY </b> long time. My group of friends did expand, and as middle school came along, I found out that I was the only person who could hang out with every "Clique" in my class. Then came:<br /> <br /> The trip.<br /> <br /> This is, I guess where I first realized my anxiety. We went to Six Flags and it was me and a group of about 7 of my friends, and we decided to stick together and ride on the rides together. Well, they went on one rollar coaster, and me not being a fan, I did'n't go on. Now, I noticed that the assistant principal was on the same line as them, but he was behind them. So when I saw him go on the roller coaster, I figured they were done. So I stand there and wait for a good ten minutes. They're not there. So I start to panic. I decided to go walk over to the exit, but I see no one. Look at the line, still no one. Now, normally I wouldn't mind. But the thought of having my entire group of friends apart from me kinda scared me. I didn't care about being in a huge amusement park by myself, but rather that my friends probably forgot about me and were off doing something. I eventually found them, and they actually were looking for me, and they knew that since we were eatting lunch soon, that'd I'd be at the food court, and I was.<br /> <br /> <br /> Come high school, I had LOTS of friends. I knew about 700 people, and I routinely was around at least 100 of the same people during the week (albeit not at the same time). I never was alone, and I was happy. If I needed to go out, there was at least one person I had. My second high school was a bit better, though I probably only had about 20 REALLY good friends.<br /> <br /> <b>College</b><br /> I Don't know what set it off, but I feel like I get so anxious almost every other day. We all retreat to our dorms after class or whatever, and that's normal. But for some reason, I get antsy and figitdy and I can't stay still. I'll walk the dorms and find people to talk to. I'll ask each person 3 tims when dinner is so I don't get forgotten. And when I do, oh, I can't even eat. I just get so...meh. I just lay on my bed and go, "oh...okay." I don't know what's up, but it's kinda hindering me when I need to do work.<br /> <br /> I wish the luck to everyone who also has anxiety.<br />

Yeah, that fits here.^^<br /> <br /> And I'm the same way usually. I hate being left completely alone unless its my choice generally.

I kinda gets anxious whenever I'm alone and everyone else has left me to do something, or when they simply have just forgotten about me.<br /> <br /> Does this go here? >&lt;

Thanks. And yeah, its eaasier to try and get help now. Its also easier now that I'm at college and can get help without having to go through my mom. I don't want her knowing about my depression. She only knows about my anxiety. She is a social worker, though, and I think that she knows I'm depressed, its just one of those things I don't want to voice. I'm personally more concerned about my anxiety because it has effected my life a lot more, so I'm trying to focus more on that. The moment I say I'm dealing with anxiety and depression, every therapist I've been to focuses immediately on the depression, which is starting to get on my nerves, because I stress my anxiety is worse.<br /> <br /> I don't want to get on my depression meds, but I'm going to try and get anxiety medication as soon as I can. And right now, its not the fear of it changing my personality, because my personality is kind of awful. I'm just scared of it taking away my creativity, which the ADHD medication did. I feel like anxiety medication won't do that though, because it doesn't seem like it would. Thinking on it, loss of creativity seems like an obvious side effect of ADHD medication. I don't feel like that will happen with anxiety medication, and I feel like things are so bad, its at least worth trying anxiety meds, right? So, I have to get to someone who can actually get me on medication. The counselors I'm seeing now are at the free counseling center where they are still technically students, and cannot prescribe any medication or get me anywhere that can. So, I'll have to figure that out next time I go back to them. Doing a quick look at common side effects, it doesn't look lke that will be a concern.<br /> <br /> I know how the low self esteem is, I'm the same way. I have a horrible opinion of myself, and my grades sure aren't helping that...but I think I have heard of something like that, and when things get really bad I try to use that sort of thing to help calm down. <br /> <br /> I do try to know myself well, and honestly, talking to my daemon, Razz has helped me a lot in the past five years that I've known him. For one, it gives me someone to talk me down when I'm really low, and it has helped me get to know more about my own personality, in a positive way, be associating it with a certain animal. And no, I'm definitely an introvert.XD The social anxiety just makes it worse, to the point that I can't be around people at all. It used to be that I could be around a lot of people, as long as I had time alone later to calm myself down. Now I can't be around people at all. I even have trouble being in class, because there's too many people. I don't even have to interact with any of them for the most part, and I still freak out just being around them. And I've done Myers-Briggs tests before but for the life of me, cannot remember what I turned out to be...I'll have to look into that again because I love learning about different personalities and I've been interested in Myers-Briggs stuff for a while now. <br /> <br /> And I may have to start doing that. I like having a plan, but I have trouble following through with that plan, especially with schoolwork. I have trouble focusing on school related things, so I start doing badly in classes, which stresses me out further. I feel like setting a better reward system for myself for certain things will definitely help with a lot of things going on in my life currently.<br /> <br /> Yeah, I've heard it takes a while for most meds like that to kick in. Which is why I want to get on something as soon as possible, so that I can start when I'm at a decent enough point in my life. I'm crossing my fingers on side effects, because I've never had major side effects from anything I've taken in the past. I'm just worried because I'm a somewhat impatient person and the constant anxiety attacks don't help, and my lack of sleep makes me irritable. I'm just worried about how I'll be while waiting for meds to start working, but I've got people back at school who should be able to help keep me from going insane. And I've been dealing with the anxiety for at least eight years without medication, and therapy alone hasn't helped, so I feel its time that I at least give medication a chance. I plan on doing plenty of research, because I'm a bit weary of things like that. A few weeks ago I started taking some sleeping medication to help me sleep and the first night I took it I was absolutely terrified to take it because I'd never taken it before. I'd like to do my research before getting on any long term medication.