I have attempted and I've planned it out numerous times. After I eventually get through the depression, I always look back and realize how foolish I was in wanting to end my life over that situation.<br /> A lot of my feelings stem from fights or issues with my boyfriend. He's got some issues himself and I feel horrible knowing that I can't really help him with some of them because they're internal.<br /> It's worse at nights if he's been feeling depressed and suicidal lately, because I can't stand the thought of losing him.<br /> I know it may come off to some as pathetic to value my life on another person's life, but it's not really something that can be controlled when you're in that depressed mindset, it's like a robotic switch has been activated and you're not functioning off of any logic. It seems foolish when you don't ever have that switch activated, or when that switch is turned off, but it seems logical when you're running on impulse.

Parental favoritism or comments can really affect your emotional and mental outcome. However, the reward of doing well should be within yourself rather than other people’s expectations. If you meet what you find to be acceptable, that is good enough for you, then you should reward yourself by realizing you’ve taken amazing steps towards a life goal that you know will make you happy.<br /> <br /> Comparison with a younger sibling can be pretty damaging, especially in attention. Younger siblings tend to be babied as they’re the ‘last to grow up’ or ‘our last child’. Parents tend to forget that the older siblings, or siblings in general, need equal attention and that the discipline is given equally rather than raise/lower in value due to favoritism or age. <br /> <br /> The best you can ever do for yourself is to remember that it’s your life, and while you respect your parent’s concern and decision, they have little to nothing to sway your path (of course, this is when you move out and are independent). In the end, you have to become the better person by quietly and humbly working on your own life to achieve its happiness. Your happiness should never be measured by another person’s ideals or expectations of you. Try your best and if that’s good enough for you then it is. <br /> <br /> Your sister should have little to no effect on your outcome. Sure, she has your parent’s adoration (from your perspective), but you have yourself and your parents might’ve given you the most powerful opportunity any parent can give— the power to be almost independent. Your sister may have your parents holding her hand through life, but you will experience it alone and learn from your mistakes so you can be independent without relying on others for success. This is by the far the best thing you can ever receive from your parents to help you grow up into a healthy, functioning adult. <br /> <br /> Either way, focus on yourself and be obedient until you can break free. Once that happens, live your life by trying to achieve all your dreams and happiness. If you follow other people’s standards, rewards, or ideals for yourself, you’re just going to end up hurt and rather unsatisfied.<br />

No worries Ravette, I am planing on having a license and a job before I move out. I do have those priorities right.<br /> <br /> I think a lot of my thinking stems from being around my family though.<br /> <br /> There's a constant drive to BE succesful and to do everything right.<br /> <br /> However, there is no reward for trying.<br /> <br /> I'm not saying that you should jsut try and expect a reward in everything you do, but I feel worse knowing that I'm sitting on a 2.3 GPA where as I know my sister is going to get a much better grade, and she puts in 50% less effort.<br /> <br /> Like, she jsut graduated high school, and got TWO diplomas, one fo those tassel things for the gowl, and had a 95 GPA. I graduated with a single diploma and 80 GPA.<br /> <br /> She gets the presents, the attention, and gets what she wants and can do no wrong simply because of how well her grades are, and then there is me who gets yelled at for looking at someone the wrong way. <br /> <br /> My sisters can throw a dog off a bridge and shoot someone and my mom would forgive them faster than if I dropped a piece of toast on the floor. (an exageration obviously, but there is some truth to the statement I am making).<br /> <br /> So sometimes, it's jsut the accumlation of hearing "useless" that makes me feel that I'm just that.<br /> <br /> But I WANT to get out.<br /> I WANT to live my own life without worryig about whether or not my parents are going to ask for my facebook password to check my statuses.<br /> <br /> <br /> It's jsut going to be very hard to do, is all.

I think most people think about suicide at one point whether its serious or not. <br /> <br /> Al: I'm in a similar situation with not having job experience or many friends. I tend to not keep friends because I do have anxieties as well but I dont have strong feelings of suicide or depression. I had depression a few years back but it was short lived.<br /> <br /> Honestly, theres not many 20yr olds that know what they want to do. I really think you should get your license. How are you going to move out and not be able to drive? And if you could drive you could see your friends more. I would focus on school and get your license. Everyone needs to think about the future but don't let it scare you into neutral. Just work on your schooling and driving. Once you are able to drive, then maybe you can think about jobs. There's NO WAY you can move out and not have a job. For a lot of things, they require you have steady income. Art will not do this. It just won't. Tons of amazing artists can't make it on just art. There's a reason 'starving artist' is a common phrase. You would need an actual job. I'm currently searching and I know its more scary for people with anxiety. <br /> <br /> For me, I don't have many plans except attending my 2yr college for my associates of art. I have made the dean's list every semester so far. I'm not sure what I'm doing afterwards but I'm thinking of different options but at least being in college is moving forward even if you're not quite sure where. So your feelings about being nervous about the future are normal. You just can't let that impede your school work or other things.<br /> <br /> Side note: Most people only have very few that would care if they died. But those few are people. Even if it affects only one person, doesn't it matter how much it would tear them?

okay, so this is obviously going to be an unhappy post xD<br /> <br /> As posted on another post here, I'm not in the greatest enviornment.<br /> <br /> Granted, a lot of times things are nice and dandy, and a lot of times it's not.<br /> <br /> I have anxiety and that creates panic attacks and emotional breakdowns. What's been triggering a lot of this is a lot about the future. Consdiering that I'm a 20 year old college student with a 2.3 GPA, no job experience, or a drivers license, I don't see myself really going far. And that creates a negative feeling for me.<br /> <br /> What makes it worse is knowing this, going home and feeling like I'm not a part of the family anymore. Sometimes, I feel like my house is an inside joke and I'm that one person that doesnt know it. And it's fustrating because when you live on a mountain with long distances between friends and no car, it's difficult. What makes it even MORE difficult is when your REAL-REAL friends whom you'd love to hang out with are actually hours away and you have no way to see them. <br /> <br /> So what do you do?<br /> You tell your friends, but how much can they take?<br /> And my anxiety does that. It makes me think that people hate me. It makes me think that people don't ever want to look let alone speak to me. <br /> <br /> So after awhile, I don't talk to them. <br /> I keep it to myself.<br /> And that's when it hurts.<br /> <br /> I've never actually cut myself or attempted suicide. <br /> That isn't to say I haven't thought about it.<br /> <br /> I used to think "what if I disappeared. What if I left and never came back."<br /> And I know a lot of people think that ( especially the tweens who think the entire world is against them).<br /> <br /> But I mean, I **REALLY** thought that. <br /> Because I feel that if it did happen, no one would really miss me.<br /> And even if you ask me now, I might only mention a few names of people who'd really be upset that I'm gone.<br /> <br /> But who knows.<br /> Sometimes I wonder if the family is better off without someone who is "a control freak "useless," selfish", etc.<br /> <br /> <br /> HOWEVER, I might add though that despite all of this.<br /> I'm starting to get better.<br /> <br /> I've realized that I can get my escape in a different way: move out.<br /> <br /> IF I move out, I can be free without actually hurting anyone, including myself.<br /> <br /> And I can take my dog with me, and he can get away as well.<br /> <br /> But it's not to say that these negstive feelings don't creep up.<br /> However, I can say that I haven't cried as a result of all this in a few weekks (which is a huge deal in my mind. going one day without these thoughts is a celebration in itself).<br /> <br /> So yea, these are my experiences<br />